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bewilden:

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how are these people not dead


Oh he can eat plastic bags and the other lady can eat drywall, but if I want to enjoy some fucking cookie dough I’ll get salmonella and die

narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

spenceromg:

why do homework when you could do me

craigslistdad:

and that’s when it came up and swallowed me millionth dollar

sixsteen:

i ship me and money

"Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress."
Kiera Cass (via maxonshreaves)


do ur squats
eat ur vegetables
wear red lipstick
dont let boys be mean to u